After seeing my first hysterical Mortified show in San Fransisco I got a renewed sense of energy to read my old journals. Embracing the embarrassment, the shame, the ignorance, it is totally healing. So I came home and opened up this journal beginning September 16th 1995.
SEPTEMBER 29, 1995:
[Apparently I was listening to a mix tape and being sentimental. While listening to Cantaloop and Small Factory. ]
“Jill, if you are older and reading this. Stop and write to Nicola, Sean, Dougie, Sarah, Tate, anyone else at all. YOU HAVE TO! Jill promised when she was 16 and now you have to follow through.
That was so weird. I hope I will do that. I really do wish with all my heart that I could stay in touch with them. ”
NOVEMBER 21, 1995:
“I went to the doctor today. Jilli has mononucleosis. I believe it. I believe that mono was to Ween what LSD was to the beetles. ”
MARCH 19, 1996:
“Weight. I know that I am not fat but I am not a skinny mini. Sarah Kingan is sooooooooskinny that it makes me so MAD! She doesn’t eat meat and hardly ever eats. FASDPONSDLKG! She is so skinny! I know that appearance shouldn’t matter and I really am trying hard to come to grips with myself in terms of that. I eat all of the time thought and I CAN’T STOP!. People like Christi Jasa also have big appetites by ars sosososososososskinny! I don’t understand. sometimes I really want to make myself anorexic or bulimic. You would get attention and people would care about you more. When you think that, oh no I can’t, my health would be bad… People who have been bulimic in the past live great lives now, it didn’t affect them much. So I keep thinking that it really won’t make a difference whether or not I do it.
Oh, be quiet Jill.
I need a PROM DATE! REALLY BAD! I had it all planned out that I would ask Sean but so many times I really don’t want to, so I want to be certain that I do before I ask him. I would probably go with anyone who asks me.
I realize there are going to be many errors. I am not looking at the screen while I type this. It is covered up with a pair of pants. ciao bella.”