The Bible is amazing in that it clearly recognizes differences between men and women. Husbands have different tendencies and instincts than wives. In its commands and encouragements, the Bible attempts to shore up weaknesses and augment strengths of each separately, and it does this in such a way as to generally make both husbands and wives happier as they fall in line.
A fun example I found a few years ago (thanks to a good friend – you know who you are, sir) requires a definition of two kinds of “love” found in the Bible in Greek.
Agape is used 143 times and means (among other things):
- To have a preference for, wish well to, regard the welfare of
- To take pleasure in, prize above other things, be unwilling to abandon or do without
- To choose or prefer
- We “love” God by “choosing His choices” or “preferring His preferences”
- A love that emphasizes “the deliberate assent of the will as a matter of principle, duty, and propriety”
Phileo (Verb, 25 times) and Philos (Adjective, 29 times) means:
- Affectionate friendship, emotional attachment, companionship
- Denotes friend, comrade, ally, economic partner, “brotherly” love
- Gesture of affection like a tender kiss, hug, pat on the head; often a greeting
- A love founded in admiration, veneration, esteem
- Combined with other words, such as philarguros (money-loving) or philautos (self-loving)
- English words like “audiophile”, “philanthropy”, “Philadelphia”, “philosophy”
Some consider “agape” a matter of the will, but “phileo” a love of the heart. Jesus looked at the rich young ruler and “loved” him, but he “loved” Lazarus and was deeply moved over his death. God “loves” the world, but “loved” Abraham (James 4:4).
One famous passage containing both words is found in John 21, where Jesus asks if Peter loves him:
Look at all those footnotes! That’s because something has been lost in translation when we read the word “love” in English. Here’s the footnotes:
Now the conversation takes on a whole new meaning. The nuance becomes apparent as Jesus and Peter go back and forth using different words for “love”.
So now that we’ve covered that, let’s talk about husbands and wives. Here’s a few commands to husbands to “agape” their wives:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her
Ephesians 5:25
So husbands also ought to love their own wives as their own bodies.
Ephesians 5:28
Husbands, love your wives and do not become bitter against them.
Colossians 3:19
Every time it says “love” the word is “agape”, so you could say it is the job of husbands to “prefer, regard the welfare of, and fulfill your duties to your wife”. No surprises there.
But interestingly, nowhere in the entire Bible are wives commanded to “agape” their husbands. Odd, no? What I would expect is that men are told to “love” and then women are told to “love” right back. You know, equality? Instead, the female counterpart to the husband’s “agape” is subjection/submission:
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Ephesians 5:22
Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Colossians 3:18
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands…
1 Peter 3:1
To me this is striking – the number of commands is more or less balanced, but the content is very different. It’s almost as if God, knowing human nature and the differences between men and women, gave each specialized instructions. Why?
As I said earlier, I think this is to confront weakness, encourage strengths, and make each spouse happier in the end. Men have natural tendencies to “prefer” or “choose” women other than their wives. We can be prone to neglect our duties, or forget to regard the welfare of our wives. These “agape” verses remind men of what God expects from husbands.
Wives can tend to respect other men more than their own husbands (their bosses or pastors, for instance). They are also prone to wrest authority from their husbands through manipulation and nagging. These verses on submission and subjection remind them what God expects from wives.
There is a natural flow here. The “agape” love God shows us is evident in the way he “chooses” us, sacrifices for us, and is concerned for our well-being (temporally and eternally). He first loved us. Our response to this love is honor, respect, obedience, and thanksgiving. Your love toward God does not look the same as His “agape” love toward us.
In the same way, these commands seem to imply that the “agape” love flows from the husband to his wife. Remember, that’s the clear command to the husband, not the wife! The wife’s duty is to respond with the same things: Honor, respect, obedience, and thanksgiving. This may sound odd, but this idea comes right from the commands.
This doesn’t mean a wife should wait for what she considers “love” from her husband before she responds with these things. Instead, she should focus on what he has already done for her – the love he shows her every day! In exactly the same way, we should not focus on what we perceive God has not done for us, but the kindness and grace He has already shown us.
Instead of a “Honey-DO” list, try making a “Honey-DID” list!
Finally, there is a command to wives tucked back in Titus:
Older women likewise are to… train the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands…
Titus 2:3-5
So there’s that “subjection” thing again, we’ve been over that. But what you may not know is that the word “love” here, used twice, is “philos + ______” and not “agape”. Again, this is lost in translation, and this time we don’t even get a handy footnote!
The first word is philandros. It means “husband-lover” and it’s the only time it occurs in the Bible.
The second word is philoteknos. It means “child-lover” and this is also the only occurrence in the Bible.
This command is the only time wives are ever commanded to “love” their husbands, and it doesn’t use “agape”! It uses two unique-in-the-entire-Bible words to instruct women how to love their families. It’s only two words, but they make a big difference. This is a special kind of love!
A common complaint of husbands (that we have trouble putting into words) is that our wives “love” us, but don’t really “like” us. Before marriage, your girl likes to just hang out and engage in the same activities/hobbies as you. She admires and respects you. She likes what you like. But after you get married, she’s often just too busy or just not interested in those kinds of things. A girlfriend would go fishing with you. A wife? How many even make time for “dates” with their husbands?
We assume that our wives will just “phileo” love us as a fellow man would – like a brother-in-arms or childhood friend! Imagine our disappointment when we realize it’s not that natural for her as we thought! And indeed, “phileo” love is often not natural for wives. I’ve known several women that privately admitted to not “liking” their own children! Despite the well-known virtue of “motherly love” it seems this sentiment is common.
A wife/mother shows her love naturally by doing things – looking out for the daily needs of others, taking care of the household, managing children, even making money. But “phileo”? This is her challenge! To be a lifelong confidant, companion, affectionate friend, admiring partner – literally a “husband-lover” – is one of the deepest needs of husbands, and why I think God put this command in His word.
To summarize – a husband’s duty is to “agape” love his wife in the same way that God shows His love for us. This includes things like actively “choosing” her above others, considering/providing for her needs/desires, and having regard for her well-being. This is not always natural for him, and is commanded in these things to combat his natural weaknesses. It is not necessary to command him in matters of “phileo” love, since this is more natural to him.
This love flows from the husband —-> wife. Her proper response is submission/subjection, respect, and appreciation. She should also seek to understand how men understand “phileo” love, and seek to meet his deep need for friendship/companionship. These things are not always natural for her – she is commanded in these things to combat her natural weaknesses. It is not necessary to command her in matters of “agape” love, since this is more natural to her.
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