theholtsite

Alice & Stuff

First of all, I’d like to thank everyone who’s been so generous with Alice. Ever since she was born, Jill and I have spent very little of our own money on Alice. We’re a happy exception to the rule that all babies are expensive. And thanks to the state of Massachusetts, we don’t pay for Alice’s food or health care or heat. Thank you, democrats 🙂 We even get a nice tax break!

Some of our packrat friends have generously donated boxes of clothes and toys for Alice. We love hand-me-downs! And our families love to lavish presents on her on Christmas and for whatever occasion they can think of.

Again let me stress how thankful we are to God for his provision (in the form of government help and generous friends and family).

All that said, Alice lives in a very small space with a dad who is NOT a packrat. In fact, he thrives on clean, organized spaces free of clutter. Because of all this generosity, we are sometimes forced by “rules of politeness” to accept gifts from others that we don’t need and/or have no intention of keeping. Then, it becomes a hassle for us to get rid of them. We don’t want to just toss new things in the trash, so we have to spend time finding these items new homes. This is NOT a blessing to us or to Alice.

Because of this difficult situation, I have issued the first executive order of my third decade of life. It states that all gifts to Alice this year will be refused or immediately disposed of unless permission is obtained *ahead of time* by Jill and I to give it to her. There will be no exceptions.

Q: But I want to lavish presents on Alice! I saw this cute little outfit she would look so cute in that I bought for her!

A: Ask Jill first. She will run it by me, and we will discuss if we need it. If the motion passes, we will gratefully accept your gift to Alice. And thank you for considering our needs 🙂

Q: I’m going to be sneaky and give Alice a gift anyway. It’s such a good present you won’t be able to resist. I don’t need your permission, I’m Alice’s [insert relation here]!

A: Try me. I love throwing things in the dumpster.

Q: What is the best way possible for me to bless the Holt family, Alice included?

A: Great question! Ask Jill what she needs! We can always use money for Alice’s future expenses. We also LOVE free babysitting so Jill and I can spend quality time alone together.

Q: I feel offended that you are refusing my generosity – don’t you care about my feelings?

A: If you read the first part of this post, you will realize I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I am thankful for your generosity. Really, humbly and completely grateful. I just don’t want stuff we don’t want.

  1. Ben Holt

    Becky:

    1) You’re right, I just tend to be so anti-cluttery that I think of everyone that’s not like me as a packrat 🙂 It wasn’t meant to insult, just to poke fun. Without this type of friend, we wouldn’t have received so many nice things free!

    2) You are also right about throwing things away. I should have said something like, “These things will be given away to charity or friends, but we just can’t keep them.” I just wanted to get my point across and be clear that we can’t keep everything. And sometimes I do get frustrated with stuff and actually throw it away.

    Kerris:

    AGAIN let me say thanks for your presents. We are very thankful for all we received this year. That said, I feel that you and Marcus were way too nice this year, and I know that you sacrificed a lot to be generous. Please return the present you got for me and get something nice for yourselves! And if you don’t want to give us anything in the future, that is totally fine. If you do want to give something, the best thing I could think of is just spending time with us.

    We’ll chat about the government stuff another time when we’re not both fired up about it.

  2. Rebecca

    PS.

    I have actually had fairly good luck in reducing the number of gifts given in my own extended family by encouraging giving to charity instead of each other as well as organizing a ‘one gift to one person’ name exchange amongst the grand and great grandchildren in our family. It took a year and a half of suggesting it, but eventually I won people over 🙂

  3. Rebecca

    A few thoughts of mine:

    1. Having, and passing along, baby/child items does not a make a person a packrat. Especially if they are actively passing things down. That’s the opposite of packrat.

    2. (to address Jill’s question) For us, the topic of material goods and gift giving/receiving is a year round discussion between our nuclear family of 4 and our extended families. We often talk about how much appreciated gifts of museum membership, magazines, ‘experiences’, are and we actively “talk up” the kinds of gifts that would make our girls and our family happy. We talk about how small our house is or how infrequently the girls use some gifts are used. These conversations are just part of everyday life, not necessarily planned or as “gift giving instructions.” They often come up while out shopping with family members, during play time or while chatting about our parenting/life philosophies. When asked point blank what they would like as birthday or Christmas gifts we usually have a small list of ‘approved’ items that we can suggest.

    3. We have received TONS of hand-me-downs and gifts over the past four years. We count ourselves extremely blessed, but have not loved every single thing that has passed over our doorstep. We use the items that are useful and that are loved by the girls and the rest we pass along to others. We can not afford to give monetarily as much as we would like, but I know that we have been able to bless others by passing along our excess. Having generous and loving family and friends has allowed us to be generous and loving to other families that may not have the same support systems, and in a way that we wouldn’t have been able to financially.

    4. Freecycle, local thrift shops and the salvation army are great ways to pass along items to other needy families. Craigslist is a way to earn some cash on unwanted gifts. All of the above are better options than the dumpster, which is only a waste of resources (to manufacture and ship, as well as the money spent to purchase them) and adds to the volume of non-biodegradable waste in the landfills.

    and finally,
    5. We gratefully accept all gifts that are given to us. Some gifts that we would never choose for ourselves have become some of the most interesting items we own. Some never leave the package before heading back out the door. Either way, it sets the stage for an important lesson about gratitude and generosity.

  4. Kerris

    Jill, in response to your question – I would say the first step would not be posting a blog such as Ben posted. I can say that this message definitely rubbed me the wrong way and I felt angry just reading it. I think it’s fine if you choose to not ‘acquire’ things and have specific requests regarding gift giving towards yourselves and Alice, but writing negative statements like our ‘packrat friends,’ being forced to accept gifts, going through the ‘hassle’ of getting rid of unwanted gifts, and that you ‘love to throw things in the dumpster’ is the direct opposite of ‘polite.’ And although Ben says he *tries* to not flaunt the fact that you receive government benefits because he chooses to not work as many hours, this is not evident in his actions. When he tells me ‘thank you’ for food because in extension it comes from Marcus’ hard work, I am incredibly insulted. So no worries here – our household will not be providing you gifts of any sort. Material possession wise-I would be afraid our gifts would end up in the ‘dumpster.’ Monetary wise- it is apparent that you do not require money for Alice’s ‘future expenses.’ You say yourself Ben that Alice has been an inexpensive baby. Therefore, you should not need any assistance of ours, especially since Marcus and I struggle to put money into our own savings due in part to taxes given to households such as your own. I pose one question (do not view it as ‘permission’) and this is only because we already presented it to you – will the usb yoda wind up in the ‘dumpster?’ If so, I have no problem with and will gradly return it and get a refund rather than sending it to you.

  5. jill

    Please know a few things, none of this is directed at any one person and their presents. It is a general result of making it through a Christmas that had a lot of gift exchanges. Even if we didn’t receive them, we watched many gifts being quickly consumed by those around us. We are just very minimal and all this impacts Ben a lot. Many men’s wishes to not acquire more seem often ignored by family and social etiquette. I think this is why he comes off so strongly and extreme.

    The question I would like to ask is… how do you politely make rules about gift giving/receiving for kids?

  6. Ben

    Please don’t apologize (this year) for giving Alice anything. We were ok with accepting gifts this year! It’s just that we’re doing things a little differently going forward in 2011. And we also should have been more strict about updating our Amazon list, too.

    I have been warned before about flaunting benefits we get from the government, I’ll try to be better – it’s hard. Part of my motivation for doing so comes from the fact that our government is a bit messed up and has some… interesting ways of distributing money. My intention is that people *will* get mad and vote in a way that changes things for the better. I don’t think people realize the vast amounts of money that are given away by the government sometimes.

    That said, we ARE way below the poverty line, especially since Jill quit working to take care of Alice. Yes, I could work a bit more, and I have been looking for another part-time job to supplement my other jobs. And yet if I do this, I would be in danger of losing our government benefits.

  7. Dennis Holt

    Ben, apologies for providing unwanted gifts — we rather thought your Amazon gift list and Jill’s email that “everyone was accepting gifts this year” were clear suggestions that you wanted, if not were asking for gifts. Since you brought it up, I would posit that government monies that feed Alice (and you and Jill) are not necessarily “God’s provision”. I can discuss this in greater detail if you dare, but I suspect you already know my thoughts and won’t care to hear more. In case you were not aware, a flaunting attitude can tend to upset people. Love, Dad.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *