theholtsite

I had a horrible day today. The pastor and band leader of our church suspended me indefinitely from the band. We had a meeting after church, and they informed me in no uncertain terms that I:

– Am generally disrespectful (I don’t sit in the services with everyone else?)
– Gripe all the time
– Make their jobs difficult
– Don’t seem to like playing any of the songs we do

I’ve been playing in the band for over five years. I feel none of these things are true about me, and it was a mystery to me how they could feel this way. Much of it seems to be related to my personality type, which states the following about what I tend to be like:

“…has no understanding or value for decisions made on the basis of personal subjectivity or feelings. They strive constantly to achieve logical conclusions to problems, and don’t understand the importance or relevance of applying subjective emotional considerations to decisions.”

“…he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If… not able to find a place for themself which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical.”

“They may not recognize basic social principles, such as appropriate dress and general behavior.”

“They may unknowingly or uncaringly hurt people’s feelings.”

There are plenty of positive things about my type as well, but none of them seemed to serve me today. I feel that my band leaders either 1) don’t understand how to work with/understand me very well, or 2) that I’m really messed up and don’t realize how I come across to others. Perhaps it’s a combination of both.

In any case, I was really shocked at their opinions of me. After five years+ of faithful service, sacrificing my time, effort, and musical tastes for their sake, apprently my demeanor has become so bad that they can’t stand to play with me? I certainly haven’t gone looking for this. I feel the utmost respect for my fellow band members and their abilities – but they don’t see this.

Another part of the issue may be that I treat music differently than most people seem to. I think all the time about what I’m playing, the style we are playing, what changes we can make to create better music, what others are doing to this end, etc. Music is a science to me. THEY are usually thinking about making the service run smoothly, getting through the rehearsal, and ironing out mistakes. Neither is inherently bad, but I think sometimes the two positions have clashed. Since I consider myself experienced in what we do, I am usually vocal about things as well – not to be confrontational but to present my position clearly.

I’m not even sure I’d like to play again if they let me. It would certainly mean less work for me. As an insensitive introvert, sometimes expending the effort just to get along with people is hard. The driving and lugging stuff around isn’t easy either. I’m still unsure. At this point, I’m still shocked, a trifle angry, and depressed about myself.