theholtsite

This article is intended to express my thoughts. It’s not my intention to offend anyone. It’s written from my Christian point of view. If you’re not a Christian, please read this with an open mind (or not at all) and try to see things from my point of view.

On Judgement

First, I’m going to give you my perspective on judging others. This issue has been thematic in my own life, and I’m sure at times in yours you have felt judged unfairly. It’s a hot-button issue, but one that should be clarified if we’re going to talk about marriage. There are two types of judgement:

1) Judging people good or bad
2) Judging actions good or bad

Christians are supposed to “love the sinner and hate the sin”. Jesus told us not to judge people, but we are supposed to judge actions! Easier said than done. It’s *really* hard to separate the two. If you are a sensitive person (or the person judging you is not), you can feel personally attacked when corrected. I know I have. I’ve felt devastated, cornered, and hated.

Let’s say my Christian brother is a chronic alcoholic. He gets drunk almost every night, and it’s led to many problems in his life. How should the church handle this situation? Two extremes:

1) Condemning him and throwing him out (or quietly shunning him)
2) Tolerating his problem, just putting up with it, and ignoring it.

Both of these responses are bad for the church and the individual. What is the correct response?

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

Yes! GENTLY! We confront sin respectfully, encouragingly, and lovingly. Our goal is to HELP the person sinning, to restore him. Sometimes that takes time.

Hopefully, the brother responds to this loving rebuke/admonishment in a positive way, accepting the advice and working to BE restored. But what if his reaction is something like: “How dare you judge me! I can do what I want, leave me alone!”

This is the reaction most of us generally have at first when someone attempts to correct us, even when it’s done in a gentle way. But as Christians we are told to *love* correction because it makes us wise:

“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid… The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.”

When a believer persists in their sin and justifies it in the face of loving correction, that’s stupid – and dangerous for the church. This is when we must pull out the big guns, because sin will destroy the church if left unchecked. It must be confronted and dealt with.

Let’s say a company employee is slacking off, comes in late, and leaves early. Does a good manager tolerate this? No, because his actions hurt the entire company. But a good manager might not fire the guy right away… he will talk to the him and figure out what is going on and try to help. If the employee has a good reaction to this (sorry, just had a bad time recently, etc.), a good manager will spend considerable effort directing this employee to be the best he can be. If the employee has a bad reaction though, a good manager just can’t have this kind of guy bringing down the work environment. Maybe it’s time he and the company parted ways.

Hopefully you understand where I’m coming from here, because these next verses are particularly harsh:

“I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people — not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people.

Notice the separation that is made here between people *outside* the church (whom we are NOT to judge at all, and should still associate with) and the people *inside* the church (whom we are supposed to have high standards for). In the next verse the writer puts it beautifully:

What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. ‘Expel the wicked person from among you.’”

If this seems overly harsh and judgmental, consider the consequences of being tolerant to the point of destruction of the church. It’s our duty to judge each other (inside) in a loving way and to gently restore those who sin. Those outside the church shouldn’t be judged by us, ever. That is not our job.

Anyway, I hope you understand where I’m coming from, because the following is sort of related:

Christian Half-Marriage

This is an issue that’s come up a couple times for me in the past couple months. It’s when a fellow Christian marries an unbeliever. First of all, a few reasons why this is bad for the Christian:

1) Marriage is supposed to be the closest relationship we have (except for our relationship with God). Ideally, each person can encourage one another in this relationship. If one spouse doesn’t share this love of God, they will probably not be as supportive as a Christian spouse. The Christian will find it much harder to maintain their own relationship with God when “doing it alone” in the context of marriage.

2) If there is a conflict between God’s will and a spouse’s desires, it’s tempting to choose the spouse. Even if you choose God’s will, the spouse will feel unloved.

3) This interesting verse:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

I have no idea what “yoked together” means in all circumstances, but marriage sure seems like one of them. The Israelites were forbidden to marry people of other nationalities because God knew they would be led astray by foreigners to worship other gods. Even Solomon, the wisest man ever, was led astray by his foreign wives and turned away from the God he knew so well.

4) Think of the children. Even if the unbeliever agrees to let them be raised to know about God, the children will have one parent who sets a poor example in this regard.

More on these reasons here.

Before we go further, my opinions on marriage above have NOTHING to do with marriage success rates. Any marriage can work. Two people can learn to live with one another in peace, no matter if they are Christians or not. And the statistics for Christian marriages are not that flattering.

I don’t make it a habit to judge those outside the church, but I am really impressed sometimes with people… many men are better husbands than I am despite our differences of faith. But this doesn’t make it a good idea for the Christian, because our perspective is that their relationship with God is the most important thing in life.

Secondly, I don’t blame an unbeliever for marrying a Christian. Heck, if I wasn’t a Christian, I’d seek one out to marry. They are totally obligated by their faith to love me at all times, to be a servant, to remain faithful, to never leave, and to never deny me their body. They make these promises in front of their god! Good deal, I’d say… man or woman.

My Pre-Marriage Response

Because of the above reasons, I think it’s a bad idea for a Christian to marry someone who’s not. Therefore, I don’t support this decision and will attempt to dissuade someone who is *inside* the church from doing so. Because I am supposed to judge their actions. I am concerned for the believer… for their bad decision that may cause them pain and separation from God down the road.

It’s really difficult to do this in a loving way, to tell someone that you don’t support their choice but still love them. But I have to try.

My Post-Marriage Response

If they get married anyway… then what? Support the marriage! Encourage the believer in their duties to their spouse! This verse puts it well:

“If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.”

There are neat success stories despite these pairings. God can work through any marriage or any person. One woman I know married when young. Both were atheists. The woman became a Christian. She spent the next twenty years praying for her husband and being a good wife to him. Just recently he also became a believer. What a cool woman. What a good God.

I expect people to disagree with a lot of this. I’m not even sure I agree with myself. I’m still mulling these things over, and probably always will be.