theholtsite

Conflict and its End

Conflict is hard for many people to deal with.  I’ve realized that the closer you get to people, the more inevitable it is.  Also, due to our personalities, childhood, parents, and experiences, it becomes very hard to deal with in constructive ways.

Jill works in special education, and she does this all day.  That is, she helps people resolve their conflicts.  It’s really valued at the school she works at.  She’s more of an expert at it than most people.

I’m pretty bad at doing this, but this week was quite a lesson in it.  We spent around four hours at a restaurant talking things out with our small group leaders.  I was exhausted by the end (not from yelling or anything, I just get that way after talking with anyone for that long).  Things are better for the time spent hashing things out.  Even better, we’re still friends with the couple, which is very valuable to us.

Also, Jill and I went to a marriage counseling session tonight with a nice older guy who’s a pastor as well.  Jill and I are doing fine generally, but as she has pointed out it’s good to smooth out bumps as they come along.  Things like… resolving conflict 🙂  Being willing to do this took a lot of guts for me as talking about shortcomings or faults is tough.  Fortunately the pastor was very encouraging and said we seem like a very healthy couple etc etc.

All this talk of feelings and faults makes me tired, and sometimes discouraged. Fortunately God has kept his promise that nothing he puts in front of me is too difficult to handle.  Whatever doesn’t kill me will hopefully cause me to be stronger and improve in some small area.  God is in the business of making me more like him, however hard a process that is (and believe me it is hard sometimes).

One of my quotes in my database that I love is from a song called “Love”:

The Harvester is near
His blade is on your skin
To plant a new beginning
Well then let the cut begin
Let the cut begin 

  1. winifred flnt

    yeesh – make it legally mandated – ack – freakin out. I’m just thinnkin of Jesus followers….make 6 month it some cultural mandate like potlucks. And its the real wise ones i want coundseling – some one who’s been to the dance before and seen the freakies all ready break out. Some couple that isn’t go to upchuck all the selfhelp marriage books on the market.

    thank you for discussing this – its great to discuss real stuff that goes on in my head.

  2. Ben

    Well, the reality is that most couples aren’t very good at working through the learning process – which is why 40-50% of them end in divorce. If you further accept that the family is the most basic and important social unit in our society, it’s amazing how few laws we have regarding them. I guess maybe I agree that it shouldn’t be a LAW, per se, but perhaps government funded somehow.

    And yes, it’s hard for anyone to go because of that stigma that says, “You’re screwed up because you need counseling.” A blow to your ego I guess (especially for guys maybe), but that shouldn’t have to be the case.

  3. Kimberly

    (Good conversation starter, Winifred!)

  4. Kimberly

    I don’t agree that marriage counseling should be mandatory. Counseling, in the traditional sense, is not for everyone. Making it mandatory takes some of the personal adventure out of marriage — the man and wife should decide how they will work thru the learning process.

    I do think, though, that marriage “counseling” should be more readily available to the people who want/need it. “Counseling,” too, often has a negative stigma attached, and churches (especially) should make this service available somehow while also teaching the value of counseling as a real means of working thru things, and not just what crazy people and people in bad marriages need.

  5. Ben Holt

    I felt much the same after six years playing in the band! The same songs and chords and my creative input side was bursting at the seams. So I’m currently taking a bunch of time off from that to readjust my outlook on it. I’ve also been contemplating what church really is and should be and all that fun stuff. I don’t get a lot out of the services, but I’ve realized that our small group (and even smaller man-to-man meetings) are where the real intellect and growth stuff comes out.

    I hope your marriage is doing well after the “big guns” (whatever that means)! Sounds scary. I’m starting to agree based on lots of books and a teeny bit of personal experience that counseling should be mandatory for all couples 🙂 There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, but everyone thinks everyone else has it all down.

  6. winifred flnt

    Marriage counseling should be mandatory like an oil change – especially the first 6 months and then on a periodic basis. I have been married for 24 years now and I was STUNNED the day after and not in a good way. I had no words to describe the weirdness so how could I ask for help? Events caused us to bring in the Big Guns about 5 years ago – its still on-going and its not pretty yet. No happy endings but at least no hiroshimas yet. We are not yellers or unkind to one another – so everyone assumes we are ‘normal’
    About Conflict…this does not distress me. I don’t put myself in its path willingly but if it appears – I deal. Surviving foster care, I just won’t take crap or watch someone else take it – someone who can’t handle it. When it comes to church life I’m learning to tune out. It’s probably bad – but its the truth. My gifting lies in my intellect, analystic ability and wisdom. I graduated highschool at 16 and by 21 was working in software making more money than anyone I knew back home. Yet in church- because I am a woman and a married one at that – there is nothing remotely challenging for me. I use my social and comedic skills in encouraging and chastising – but that’s like havng Einstein teaching algebra.
    About Children of Men: i am very intrigued by ‘recent’ science fiction – i read sterling and stephenson. in this movie its all about the back story. I would so love to discuss it with other believrs.
    wow – so much wordage – apologies

    winifred

  7. Danielle

    You are so right about conflict being one of the hardest things to deal with. It makes me tired too. 🙂 I admire your courage in being able to approach it head on. It encourages me to not shy away from conflicts myself.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! 🙂

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